Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

This was the best day of my life

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.