Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

describing stardew valley

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.