Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.