Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

This cat wants you to take your pills

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*