You Might Also Like
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks