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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
in 3 months
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.