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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Just me?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Artwork by Herta Burbe
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Time for evil
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!