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every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.