☠️ ☠️
You Might Also Like
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I am HOWLING at this
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Just grow your own
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.