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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings