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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When I snag the last meatball.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.