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*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!