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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
first you must answer his riddles
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad