Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them