Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Why font matters.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.