Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.