♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.