Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!