Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

That’s enough internet for the day

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.