Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say don’t try this at home… so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

She puts the hot in psychotic

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Good morning

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

All I want in life is a regular status report about Keira Knightley called the Knightley News.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix