♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[eulogy]
line?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf