♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
How to walk around a museum
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.