Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Wow 🤣

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”