Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

People buying plungers never look happy.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece