Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.