Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

work smarter, not harder

Just a reminder, folks:

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.