Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

True.

ibopfufen

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years