Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

pictures of spider-man

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Me buying fruit and veg

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.