Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

these two trucks have the same bed length

he looks great for his age

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me