Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying