Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup