♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk