♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.