Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.