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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]