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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.