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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Jesus Christ lmao
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
This is the one
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.