Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

Solving a traffic jam