Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.