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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…