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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
January has been Januweary
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”