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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
is it earth
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]