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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much