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I enjoy a good short stor
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
peak technology
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
