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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?