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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN