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My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
sistine chapel
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*