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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“and how does that make you feel?”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous