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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
do what now??
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions