Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Terribly Tuesday.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Not today, today.
Not today.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”