Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers