❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.