❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
zone out
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.