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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I don’t make the rules sorry
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
shazam but for random noises outside