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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
He’s cranky this morning
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂