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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”