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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you