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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”