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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
mathematically impossible
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”