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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Good morning ☺️
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.