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never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.