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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
me and who
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
According to math, I’m broke
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers