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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳