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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?