You Might Also Like
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.