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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!