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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!