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Jurassic park gets weird
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.