You Might Also Like
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Happy weekend !
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Pretty much! 😂👀
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.