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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
dogs can find happiness so easily
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.