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My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I will never stop laughing at this
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.