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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.