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Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
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