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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
this is literally a CIA plant
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”