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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me