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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
How I’d get arrested…
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes