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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.