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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
me watching my own Instagram story
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what