You Might Also Like
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The French cow says MEUX…
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers