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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*has no idea what a book even is*
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
oh my god
