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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂