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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The Book. The Movie.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
I think this might be relevant today.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling