You Might Also Like
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Human are so complicated
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
man i love columbo
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
a lot to unpack here
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”