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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
We know he can swim but…
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.