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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met