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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
#oldknees
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
For the ones in the back.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me