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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Worst Native American name ever.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
the answer was staring at me all along
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.